What makes a family blended is diversity, not just diversity in race, culture, or religion, but diversity in the sense of children from previous marriages forming one big family. Like families who are not blended, blended families face many hardships. The main challenge for blended families, especially those with children of older age, is acceptance. When I was five years old, my family became blended, and it was the best thing to ever happen to me. Although there were no issues of acceptance from my mom, my stepdad, Al, and I, there was a need for acceptance from my stepdads family and my father needed to accept the new father figure in my life. The summer before 8th grade, my mom and stepdad got a divorce. It felt like nothing changed for our family besides my parent not sleeping with each other or being affectionate until we moved out. It was difficult to see the family I was raised in broken. Despite no longer being in a blended family, I still consider Al my stepdad and I always will. Because of my experience with blended families, I wanted to study the subculture and see if other families had experiences similar to mine.

While researching this subculture, I was able to discover things that the two blended families I observed struggled with that mine never did. Discovering new things allowed me to compare and contrast my findings and draw the conclusion about how each hardship has different effects on the relationships within the blended family.

In order to complete this field study, I had to do research. I started by looking up online communities where stepfamilies can share their stories. I came across a site where it was strictly mom who chatted about things they go through daily with their partners and their stepchildren. The website is called PopSugar, in their site they have a subsector called Circle of Moms. In the subsector of the website, they offer a platform for moms to post the things they might be going through. Circle of Moms has different categories for different things moms might be going through like miscarriages, first-time moms, and moms of babies born in October. Moms post what they are feeling in the category they feel fits best, and from there, other members in the Circle of Moms comment and share similar experiences, so the moms know they are not alone.

For my observation, I went into a category labeled blended families. I was able to gain limited access to the chat rooms because it took time to become a full-fledged member. In order to gain some access, I needed to create an alias where I made it seem like I was the mother of a young girl who married a man who has never really been around kids before. I thought that creating this alias was funny because although I am not a mom, it was precisely the situation my mom was in and I had the inside scoop on a situation like that.

While studying the site, I saw a message from SM (her initials), SM posted about how she has been feeling about disciplining her teenage stepdaughter. SM had mentioned that her stepdaughters’ mom passed away when she was a baby; also, her husband of 13 years prefers if she did the disciplining. She states, “We were good until one daughter started lying and being manipulative … need someone who may have a similar experience.” On her post, two other moms commented. Both moms mentioned that both SM and her husband should talk to each other and figure out a way to discipline the teenage girl together. One of the moms gave a more in-depth response, where she wrote three short paragraphs. I noticed that the moms are nothing but supportive of each other. Support is the best thing a mom could get when she may be going through something for the first time.

On the site, I was confused at first because it seemed like the moms were speaking to each other in code. Some posts are written “Today H, and I went to our SD first basketball game. After that, H suggested that SS and he should go buy everyone ice cream” That is just an example, but I had no idea what H, SD, and SS were. After looking up all the acronyms I learned H is husband, SD is stepdaughter, SS is stepson and BM is birth mom. I thought it was very cool that the moms were practically speaking in their made-up language. Their codes go to show how connected this community is even through a website where no one knows each other.

Over spring break, I continued to research my topic by conducting my interviews. I interviewed the Miller family and my dear friend Brianna Maldonado. The first interview I conducted was with the Miller family in South Carolina. On Friday, April 19th, I flew to South Carolina with my mom and boyfriend so we could be there to watch my aunt Mariana and her husband John renew their wedding vows after eight years of marriage. They met 13 years ago at the Veteran Affairs (VA) hospital. My uncle served in the military for a total of 24 years, 12 years of active duty, two years in the national guard, and ten years in clinical service. During his clinical service, he met my aunt, Mariana. My aunt served in the military for 11 years, five years of active duty, and six years in clinical service. They met when my aunt was trying to receive disability from the VA; she had to go through John so he could verify that she was eligible. Mariana eventually got a job at the same hospital where their mutual friend decided to play cupid and get them together. Eventually, they went on their first date, which my aunt described as a disaster and my uncle said was funny. Their second date is where they both said they hit it off.

The Miller family currently consists of seven people. John and Mariana, two of John’s kids from his previous marriage, Taiwan 31, Jonay 28. My aunt also had a child from a previous relationship, Gisele 15. John and Mariana also have two children together Jaelee,12 and Jonia, 7. Only the three youngest live with them, John’s oldest two live in New Jersey. His son has his own family, and his daughter lives with her roommate, focusing on her school work.

I decided to interview John and Mariana on the last day of my visit because everyone was stressed from the wedding on Saturday, Sunday was Easter, so Monday night seemed like the perfect time. Monday was a long day though, that is because it was our last full day and we wanted to drive far to have a picnic. When we got home, my boyfriend made spaghetti with meat sauce for everyone while I interviewed my aunt, uncle, and their three kids. The kids had school the next morning, so they were never downstairs answering questions all at the same time. My uncle’s’ oldest daughter was in the living room with all of us, I never asked her questions directly, but at times she pitched in with some remarks to what was being discussed.

I think since everyone had a long week, and because of that, the interview did not go as smoothly as I hoped, but it was still pretty successful. John was sitting in his chair, and my aunt was sitting in her chair next to his. I was off to the side of my aunt on the couch. John’s oldest daughter Jonay sat in the couch across from me doing her homework while one of the youngest daughters played with their baby niece. I started the interview by asking basic questions that I knew the answers too so that they would get comfortable with me asking them questions. I noticed that John was on his phone more than I would have liked,  because of that my aunt was answering questions for him. A few times, I had to interrupt her because I wanted the answer directly from him.

When asked about the start of their history, they said that at the time they were dating, they both had children from previous relationships. John shared with me that he had just been going through a difficult divorce at the time, and it was nice to spend his time with my aunt. When he had said that his daughter, Jonay, gave him a bit of side eye, she did not seem comfortable with his answer. When they started dating John’s son was 19, his daughter was 17, and my aunts’ daughter was two.

From my experience with John and his family, it has always been evident to me that John and his relationship with my aunts’ daughter was a lot better than my aunts’ relationship with Johns kids. The first time John met my cousin Gisele she was two, and she had never had a relationship with her father. She did not have much with my aunt either until she was a year and a half because my aunt had to go back to the military. John was meeting Gisele for the first time when she just started getting comfortable with my aunt, so my aunt was extra nervous. None of that mattered because the first time Gisele met John, they had a blast. As John was telling me the story of how they met, Gisele walks in listening as if this was her first time hearing this story. John said that they met at the VA hospital when she was two. They played games in his office like the floor is lava and hide and seek. John said, “At the end of us meeting Gisele told me that she loved me, and I gladly replied I love you too.” Gisele budded in saying, “See, mom I knew he was a keeper from the start.” My aunt laughed at Gisele’s comment and told me that at the end of their meeting, she was crying because all she wanted was a good father figure in her daughter’s life.

On the other hand, My aunts meeting with her soon to be step-kids went utterly different. Since Johns kids were older, they had already made up their minds on whether they were going to like her or not, before they even met her because they probably felt that she took their dad away from their mom. My aunt said that when they met nothing other than hi was said, and there were many stares. As an outsider, I can tell that the relationship between my aunt and her stepchildren has changed. When I asked my aunt about how she thinks their relationship changed, she said: “we reached an understanding which led to an acceptance that I am now in their dad’s’ life.” Jonay who was off to the side doing her homework interjected and said: “I wished for them to stay together, for the kids.” I found it a bit strange that she added on the “for the kids” part because it seemed like she still disliked the fact that they were still together. My uncle, on the other hand, began to recognize Gisele as his daughter, she went from calling him John to calling him, dad. John told me the day she started calling him dad he told her that he was honored, but she was not sure what that meant so she just stared at him until he said I would love to be your dad.

Someone might think that because they were together for five years before getting married, the marriage part would be simple, but they shared that it was not. My aunt said it took some time because they were still missing acceptance from other family members. John and Mariana had different upbringings, which led to some clashing at the beginning of parenting. They also retired a few years ago, so they were able to move out of New Jersey, but they ended up moving a lot more than they hoped to try to find the best home/environment that they both fit in.

After my trip to South Carolina, my best friend Brianna Maldonado and I scheduled a facetime call for my interview with her. Since I interviewed my aunt and uncle solely, I was not allowed to see the perspective divorce, and separation has on a child and knowing Brianna’s story, she seemed like the best candidate.

Brianna has been my friend since sophomore year of high school, and she is the only friend that I have that has been through a situation similar to mine. When Brianna was five years old, her mother and father separated, and it was just Brianna, her sister Ashlee who was ten at the time and their mother, Diana. John, Brianna’s dad, left Diana to fend for herself and her two kids. After the many arguments that led to John leaving, Brianna did not see her dad for another nine months. Brianna shared that her dad came and went as he pleased when she was young, it was not until she was 12 and her sister was 17 that he decided, okay I am ready to be a dad. This is probably due to Diana taking John to court in need of child support. At the time he decided fatherhood was for he had met his soon to be wife, Renee. Diana disliked the way he came back into their life because he would bribe the kids for their love by offering to take them on vacation with Renee and her two kids.

I asked Brianna if it ever made her mad that her dad was a father to Renee’s daughters, Samantha and Danielle. She responded, “No, because I was young and did not care; I also had never been close to my stepsisters to observe their relationship with my dad.” At the time that Brianna’s dad had a new lady in his life, Diana had met Oni, Brianna’s stepdad. Brianna’s mom met Oni through her job. Oni was the doorman of the building next to Diana’s medical office, and at her office, she had to give him the trash since trash from the two buildings was thrown out together. Brianna told me that they instantly clicked and started seeing each other shortly after that. Oni has been a part of her life ever since then; he even considers Ashlee and Brianna his children. Brianna was five when Oni and her mom started dating, so she does not remember her first interaction with him. She does remember her relationship with Oni being different as a kid. As a child, she was very attached to him, almost like a father-daughter relationship. As she got older was able to form her own opinions, she began to dislike him because he was rude and had specific characteristics that she did not like. In the past two years, everything changed in their household, so she began to appreciate the things he would do for Brianna her sister and her mom. She also got to see that he would act out because of his messed up relationship with her mom and got a better understanding of why he is the way he is.

In Brianna’s family, there is a total of 9 members.  Diana, Oni, John, Renee, Ashlee, Danielle, Samantha, Brianna, and Chachi, Diana’s third child who is a dog. Renee and her two kids do not qualify as a family to Brianna because the daughters are much older than Brianna, and as a child, they never spent time together. As for Renee, when I asked Brianna her opinions on her, she said I have none, “I am not close to my dad, so I have no reason to be close to her.” Like most blended families Brianna’s family faced many issues. When I asked her what some obstacles were they faced as a family she began to laugh because she knew I knew about the drama not only because that is how we use to start a conversation because that is the only thing we had in common when we first met but because I have heard the stories countless times. Much like I did she told me that at times she felt like she needed to choose sides and as a kid, it is much harder because you feel whatever you choose you are stuck with and that you cannot choose both. When it comes to blended families, the experience is different for every child. For Brianna, she did not like much from her family, it has resulted in many issues over the years, so when asked what do you love most about being in a blended family? She responded, “Nothing really, now I love that it taught me how to deal with different types of people because of all the drama. There is always something lingering, but the people in her family sometimes do not like to cause issues with one another, so there is much-unsettled drama.” However, when asked if she wished to change things, She instantly responded No because her parents suit their new spouses far times better than they would have ever suited each other.

Someone might think that because Brianna and her family have been through a lot that they do not quite get, but that is not the case. It has been six years since Brianna, Ashlee, Diana, and Oni all lived together. Two years ago Diana and Oni bought a house in NJ, so Brianna and Ashley have been living together ever since. Some weekends Brianna goes to Jersey to see her mom, while she is there, they go thrifting, buy groceries for the apartment and end their day watching movies altogether. Although it has been quite some time since the last time the five of them lived together, Brianna said she could remember everything as if it was yesterday. The family all started their days at different times, and they would go on about their day. Once Diana came home she would cook for her family while eating they would catch up on a show as a family and continue the rest of their night with showering, homework or the dishes. No matter what Brianna and her family have gone through issues, but they have been able to come up on top, and I believe that their unity is what allowed them to conquer their issues.

I am very proud of myself for choosing to study the subculture known as blended families. When telling people about this project, I was surprised to hear that not many people knew what a blended family was. Maybe because their parents are not divorced or maybe it is because it is rarely spoken about. This topic was significant for me to study because I love my family no matter how dysfunctional it is, and it seems that my interviewees feel the same way. I have been a part of the subculture for most of my life, and I am always talking about it because it made me the person I am today. Before doing this study, I thought I was the expert on blended families, but I learned that there are so many more things, both good and bad that come from being in a blended family. I am glad I was able to educate myself more on the topic and even bring more awareness to the rest of the blended families out there.